So, it’s been 6 weeks since I have published anything on this blog…shameful. I’m obviously not a writer, and this is obviously not a major well-known blog by any means, but writing makes me feel human. I didn’t realize it made me feel human till another little human was born and started taking over my life. And the things I did in the past no longer exist. Now my “me” priorities are to eat, shower and get out of the house every once in a while. Writing fell way down on the list. But I realized I needed it. So I have been making time to do it. But now, instead of it being here, it’s in a journal. Mostly its little thoughts to the Lord and to Sam, but I miss those thoughts living here…so here I am. As I type this, Johnny has so lovingly taken our sweet baby to church to give me two whole hours by myself in my home. Sweet husband–he knows when his wife needs a little rejuvenation, and he gives it to her. Blessed.
Any way, the first month of his life is a blur. But I think I can sum it up in one sentence: I did not take easily to motherhood. Nope. Sure didn’t. I have written little things here and there about those first few weeks that I will one day put together in a real post (probably when my child learns to sleep 12 hours at night and take proper daytime naps…which according to the books, should be coming soon…but I’m not gonna hold my breath), but until then I’ll just hit the high points–
I have lots of regret centering around that first week of his little life. One thing I know I did completely right was choosing to have him at home, after that, I did lots of things wrong. The Tuesday morning when he was 2 weeks old will stand out in my mind forever. Horrible. Just horrible. You have to understand that aside from the first few days when my momma came in town, the time we evacuated from hurricane Issac to Starkville and stayed with my in-laws, and the few random days my sweet mother-in-law has helped me out to grab an hour nap or a dinner with John Paul, I’ve been on my own. I don’t have family nearby and my husband is at work. Not different from most momma’s, I know. But I don’t know ANYTHING about babies. I put lots and lots of energy learning everything I could about birth and labor, but NONE into learning about newborns. It’s amazing we have survived as long as we have. It’s a freakin miracle.
So, here we are at 9 weeks. And for every corner we turn, something else seems to slap me in the face. But I tell you what, the Lord is healing me. Ever since the weekend before last, things have changed. And instead of making this a place to document every bit of my Sam’s accomplishments and milestones (which there are many, cause he’s mighty cute and so advanced y’all ;), I’ve decided to share with the internet what I wrote to him in my journal on 9/25/12. I don’t know why. But here goes:
I have fed you, held you, pumped an ounce of milk (we’re trying to get our supply up around here) and showered. Now I’m resisting the urge to pick up the house and do laundry to again write some of my thoughts down to you as you sleep.
The enemy has completely attacked your momma from moment one of your little life. I definitely did not take easily to motherhood like I thought I would. Many, many days I broke down and you paid the price. And I’m so, so sorry. Of course you’re fine and you’ll never remember those moments your weren’t held tightly as you screamed or were given over hastily to your daddy as I cried out “I can’t do this, I just can’t do this” over and over again. But I’ll remember those moments for the rest of my life.
Anyway Sam, the Lord is starting to heal me. Something happened over the weekend and I realized in my spirit that even with all the revelation I have had throughout your little life, I was still doing everything in my own strength. I was still trying to get you to be who I wanted you to be, still trying to get you to do what I wanted you to do. I’m probably going to struggle with that for quite some time, but part of my heart is now being renewed. And part of myself is finally dying. I’m dying to myself. Of course as Christians we are called to do just that, but motherhood really forces the issue. I truly want to die to myself so that you may have Jesus as your momma. I can’t do it alone, I can’t do it in my own strength. And finally it’s not just a cliché saying anymore–it’s truly real to my heart. My life is not my own. I live to do His will…and right now sweet baby, His will for me is to be your momma. What an honor. Even though there is very little outside/worldly glory to it, I’m reminded that it’s the desire of my heart. I’m reminded of this time last year when I couldn’t see through the fog of losing an unborn baby. I’m reminded of all the times I cried out to God in complete despair and now? Now you’re here. And you’re whole. And you’re perfect. And the Lord is good. And my will needs to be given over to Him.
I know He’ll give us a full, blessed life–whatever that looks like for us. I know He’ll restore me to fullness of joy. And I know His grace will give you what I cannot. I just want you to know that I’m in this. I’m all in. After the first few weeks of loneliness, sadness, despair, I’m back. I’ve been emptied out…and while it didn’t seem like it at the time, it’s all been for our good. I’m ready to have complete lack so that He may have complete gain. I love you Sam. I love you Sam. How you have ministered and changed my heart is beyond what words can describe. However He needs me to do it, I’ll do it. I’ll be your momma. Whatever that means. Now & always.
Bless you baby boy. Thank you Jesus.
And that’s when I turned my corner. I’ve turned lots of little corners in this motherhood process, but that one was the biggest to date. Life with Sam has been 100% better since I truly realized that I can’t do it in my own strength. It’s too hard. Everything up to this point I could handle. Even some hard stuff. But being his momma broke me. Took me to a place I didn’t know. Took me back to the cross. And that’s a good thing. It wasn’t pretty, but it was worth it. I’m still not the doting mother I thought I would be–but I think I’m something better. It may not look like it or feel like it all the time, but there’s nothing I have fought more to have and given up more of myself to receive. His smile makes me cry. And there’s not one person who knows what he needs more than me. From the outside looking in, it may not seem like that to most–some people may be quick to judge my heart for my boy. But I know it, and it’s good. And it’s pure. It’s the purest thing I’ve ever known. I’m in awe that the Lord chose me to be his mother. And I’m in awe that He gives me the strength to do it every day. I’m in awe that anyone has ever been a mother. It’s ridiculously hard. But again, I’m learning that it doesn’t have to be. I don’t have to do it alone. Sam doesn’t have to be exactly who I want him to be and I don’t have to be a by-the-book perfect parent. I just have to do what the Lord would have me do in the little moments, in the small things. And John Paul and I have to shape Sam’s heart to reflect who the Lord has called him to be, not who we say he is. And that friends, that has taken some serious pressure off my soul. Just in time too…cause I was about to burst.
To any mother ever: You are amazing. I don’t know how you do it, but you do it perfectly. Well done. Your child is perfection.
Speaking of perfection: Sam is now officially awesome and, by all accounts, super advanced ;). Seriously though, he is. And I can say that here, cause this is my blog. I’ll do an annoying post one day with a week by week/ play by play milestone accomplishment record, but for now I’ll leave things where they are. We’re good, all is well and the Lord is faithful. Especially in my weakness.
no, wait…I’ll leave it here- there is officially nothing better than a sleepy husband at 4 am bouncing a baby back to sleep. Nope, nothing.
And just for kicks, here’s my current fav pic of Sam-bo. He’s pretty pumped (and shocked) about State’s ranking in the polls this week :) Hail State!
and two more…the time that passes in 3 weeks has never been more significant in my life till baby boy came into this world.
Loving y’all. Praying for you mommies, those about to be mommies, and those praying to become a mommy.