I don’t know what I’m going to say

I don’t know what I’m going to say yet. Just one of those times I know I have something to say, just don’t yet know what that something is exactly. I guess I can start with how I love the internet. How you can make yourself appear any way you want to really. It’s not real life, I’m reminded of that often. It’s been strange to me the people I’ve met through blogging. And the old friends I’ve reconnected with though blogging, too. Because I know who I am, I’m nothing super special or spiritually significant. Well, I actually believe I am super special and spiritually significant, so maybe that’s not a great point. What I mean is, I’m under no illusion that I am more so of those two things than anyone else. Except in the eyes of my husband. Because he needs to think I’m the best thing on the face of the earth. And I make sure he does, often. Though not with acting perfectly wifely, which I should attempt more, but by just saying how great I am constantly. Which so far, it has worked ;)

Any way, it does strike me when I reconnect or meet people through blogging. I know it has more to do with the Lord and being faithful in sharing your heart than it has to do with me. Obviously, I haven’t written much since becoming a mom, but I still randomly get encouraging notes or prodding/intense questions that I, myself, feel completely unworthy of. And I think about the people in my daily life who would most likely feel the same way about me that I do. Cause again, the internet only shows what we allow it. (Unless you’re in college. All High School and College students should be banned from the internet. Their 30 year old married parent self will thank them)

But, for some reason, I have a very tiny place where I can share my heart where people do actually read it and poke at it or encourage it or tear it down. I think it has something to do with the one time my link was shared on a photography maternity/baby page. That’s the only thing that makes sense to me. And I welcome the private messages and the old friends from facebook that have a blog stalking mentality like I do. I get it. My point is, I value authenticity. I feel like I’m authentic here. However, my heart and my person can be two separate beings a lot of the time. I mean, I’m pretty sure I screamed while on a family vacation recently. Like, screamed. But you wouldn’t have known that by the looks of instagram ;)

But that Jesus. He loves me. And I recently heard a bit of wisdom that struck me hard. Beth Moore was talking about how we so admire those people who have walked with the Lord for a long time and we say things to them like “you’re just so gifted”. Then she said, those people aren’t more gifted than you. They have just realized what is a waste of their time. They walk in their gifting.

Wow. Ok?

Gifts are undeserved. And this place is a gift to me. And how I’ve been spending Sam’s naps is usually a waste of my time. While it may be good, it can often be a waste. This, to me, I feel, is not a waste. Again, I still don’t know what it is I want to say.

People walk in bondage, they walk in oppression. They walk in places and in circumstances they can’t see through or can’t understand. The Lord is so faithful to bring us out of that. And when He does, we wander the desert and the wilderness. We are in need of every word and breath from Him. It’s a terrible and beautiful time. He speaks so clearly, so vividly to our hearts. He provides in miraculous ways. And we become willing co-laborers in everything He has for us. And one day, the fog clears, the promised land is entered and you are once again productive. And you remember every bit of where you once were. And you’re drop to your knees thankful on a minute by minute basis. But at some point, that productivity gets easier. And your memory fades. And the Lord you would once do anything for, becomes someone or something you use when it is convenient. And you’re all of the sudden susceptible to the darkness again.

I really hate to use the phrase ‘bible study’. Especially in the south. It conjures up just really stale, ignorant, out of touch images for me and I hate it. But, last night I was at a bible study. It’s a good one. One of those ones that’s for all women, from all christian churches, from all economic and racial backgrounds (which, in every church, every bible study IS that. They just aren’t all so blessed to see that, you know?). So, I’m there, with a friend that made me start going a few months ago, and we happen to be in a Beth Moore series. They aren’t ALL Beth Moore, but this one is. And she’s pretty well anointed, I think we can all agree, and her message last night was tough, raw and good. She reminded me of spiritual amnesia. Of what that kills in people, marriages, ministries, etc.

So I guess today is about being authentic in some way. About being thankful in another. And about remembering the good and faithfulness of Lord. And Love for goodness sake! Love is something we have little time for when we are self-sufficient. We don’t as readily see the need for love when we’re focused on what we can do for ourselves and the people we ‘like’. We have little empathy for others who can’t seem to get it together, who are living under the oppression of what we believe to be deception. And you know what? I think I’m almost there. I think I’m almost to the point where I have forgotten about what the Lord has done for me, what He has brought me out of and IN to. I was once in a productive land, a land that was good and fruitful, a land that wasn’t about me. But I think I’ve taken one foot out of that land and into a scary place. A place of righteousness and sufficiency. I think I’ve dipped my toe into that water.

So, I guess that’s what I needed to say today. May we remember the good and faithfulness of Jesus. And that He is enough. And that He wants us to change our world. And while I don’t believe God’s heart is ever to give pain, I know He uses pain and times of terrifying hurt. Loss is not the heart of God Almighty. We were not created for it. And there are too many people in this world that loss is all they know. Or even scarier, self-sufficiency is all they know. Love changes hearts. Authenticity breaks down barriers. And walking in your giftings makes you fruitful.

The end :)

and ps, you can still act like a spoiled brat, a know it all, an anxious & ungrateful daughter of Christ, and guess what? He can still use that mess of a girl to blog things that make people feel encouraged (or, anger you, whatever side of the fence you’re on;) to be a momma and wife who is daily given miraculous wisdom and joy. Cause that’s the freakin gospel.

and now, some Sam pics from over the weekend. A’hem, my BIRTHDAY weekend. (I believe in birthdays more than any girl my age should. I’m like, 5…in the way I celebrate myself)

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3 thoughts on “I don’t know what I’m going to say

  1. Writing, for me, is therapeutic. At times I have no idea what’s going to end up on the page. But I find clarity when I write. Seems to me, that is what happened for you.

    (Not to be weird, but I’ve know the Buckleys all of my life so when I stumbled upon your photography blog, it made me so happy!)

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